There we go

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Mon Nov 15, 2021 7:02 pm

The internet is gonna internet I guess...

There's more layers to all of this...obviously

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Mon Nov 15, 2021 11:46 pm

killacross wrote:
Mon Nov 15, 2021 7:02 pm
The internet is gonna internet I guess...

There's more layers to all of this...obviously

Look, did you fuck up? Yes, you did and you already know that. She has every right to be upset with you.

And now here comes to redpill-esque/theoretical stuff (which you already know killa so it's more for others)

What really gets me though is the ease with which women tend to think they can just go through their man's phone. When we all know they'd flip their shit if it was the other way around. That wasn't okay on her part, it doesn't matter if you have something to hide or not, it's your phone and what is she doing going through it, ESPECIALLY when you're asleep. It's like she didn't trust you to begin with.

Naturally, as a man I understand that you could totally smash Ms. Thickums, and it does not really change how you feel about your wife. Such is the nature of a man. And as men that were raised in western societies, we are taught to see things from a woman's perspective at all times. Our very ability to get women and not be accused of something heinous depends on it (especially today). So every man on this forum knows and understands why your wife is upset with you. She's looking at it through a female lens and it will never occur to her to see it through a male lens because women don't have to. Especially in the west, how men see the world is irrelevant. Hence all the backlash to trying to curb rampant female sexuality even just a little bit...anyway...

She's looking at it as if it were her, and how she could never do that because she loves you. Or rather, it would take her actually loving another man and losing her love for you to get her to do what you did so naturally that must be what you were thinking, right?

WRONG!

Like I've said in the past, if a man with a woman (gf or wife) ended up at a party in a house in the woods where he couldn't leave until morning and the house was filled with attractive women that wanted to bang his brains out, if he didn't immediately lock himself in a room for the night he would eventually have sex and "cheat" on his woman. Yet, it wouldn't change his love for his woman at all. Outside of feeling guilty, he'd forget about these women by the end of the week. And frankly, most of society (men and women) would probably give the guy a pass and be like "Well...I mean, he's a guy so..."

Whereas a woman in that situation (where there were a bunch of men wanting to bang her) would likely run screaming into a room and lock herself in the room for the night. And if she did succumb and bang these dudes it means that she had already lost her love/respect for her man anyway, and society (men and women) would judge her as having childhood trauma and being a bit of a ho.

Having said all this, she still has the right to be mad at you. I think all men need to look at themselves and say, "Is there a scenario where I would sleep with another woman if the situation aligned itself that way?" and if the answer is yes, then the thing to do is to NEVER put yourself in a situation where that scenario could play out. You did this with those girls at the liquor store that invited back to hang with them, the chances of banging one if not both of them was the on the table with the invite and you diffused it by mentioning your wife.


Threatening divorce over this isn't cool. Does she really think destroying a good thing like this is a good idea? What sucks is that American society would be all for it because she'd likely take everything you have and more. But really it's about your daughter, is she really willing to ruin her life over this?

Also, based on your past comments about your in-laws, they are the biggest problem most likely. As their poison will be non-stop if they hear about this. I just hope they don't.

OR...

They have some weird latin American approach to it where they are like, "Hey, that's what men do. It's no big deal." which would be kinda good.

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Tue Nov 16, 2021 7:30 am

Next long ass post...this is gonna be a series.. Just ride along with me and let me cook. I promise I'll try to be objective

2021 has been a rough year. If you all remember, my wife was fired mid-January. She had a buddy that was supposed to help her get a position at his company.. And did all of this big talk. My wife got excited. If you all also remember, I hated working at my previous company. So my wife got her time wasted at that company with countless interviews... And I applied at the company Ms Thickums worked at (the 2 places were like 10 mins apart). We didn't get those jobs. For the next 5-6 months, my wife didn't do much of anything. Literally. She applied at maybe 3 jobs tops. She would sleep in until 10a or so every day. When she bathed... She would do it around 3/4p. I do the majority of cooking at home because I'm a better cook. BUT I also do 95%+ of the cleaning. I manage the money. I do all of the yard work... All of the repairs. I was also waking the baby in the morning, bathing her, dressing her, and taking her to daycare. After work, I would pick her up. Maybe 3/5 days I would entertain her and tuck her in at night. My wife was seriously doing 0. I assumed she was feeling blue after being fired.. And not living in an area where jobs in her field were plentiful. I understand a week or two... But this was months and months.

It all came to a head in a series of fights after one day when we were visiting her sisters. Obviously she never told her family she was fired. Also.. Her family didn't stop asking for random money here or there. Also, we've never missed a stipend payment to her parents.

Anyway, we were all sitting on the living room couches one day just talking randomly and her one sister was talking to her daughter about why good grades are important. She told her.. "Look at your aunt (my wife), she got good grades [agree] , she got a good degree [agree] , has a good job ["agree" ] , and makes really good money ["agree"]. Killa is lucky to have her [??] "

That caught my attention. So obviously.. I leaned into the fight. I said... "Why did you say it like that? That's a really strange way to phrase it."

Her other (more aggressive) sister (that was in the military for 20+ yrs) chimes in "... She said it because it's true. She (my wife) was always on the honor roll. She got an ENGINEERING degree. Everyone knows engineers make good money. I'm sure her income really helps you out. Otherwise, your household would probably have a smaller income. (I can't remember exactly how she said this part.. But the implication was that I would be poor or at least broke). "

Me: "Oh OK, I think I understand what you're saying.. But did you ever consider that I got good grades in school too? I mean, did you ever consider that I have an engineering degree too? Did you consider that I have a license? A certification? And a decade of experience in my field? Did you ever consider that I make more than her? - like a lot more? Why isn't she lucky to have me? Why aren't we lucky to have each other? I STILL think it was weird the way that she phrased it. "

***long pause***

First sister:" you know English isn't our first language. I just said it wrong "

Me:" oh OK, guess that makes sense...**looking at military sister*** so is that what happened with you too? "

Anyway, I had an enjoyable time the remainder of the visit.

On the drive home, my wife was giving me the silent treatment. I asked what was wrong. And she was like.. Why do you hate my family? Why do you always have to fight with them? Why do you always have to make a scene? It was disrespectful. I told her.. She's probably right. Maybe I reacted in poor faith. So I asked what did her sisters say when she asked them? She gives me a confused look and asks what do I mean? I said, she is always so quick to blame me and tell me I'm wrong. What did her sisters say when she asked them the same question about insulting me when I was sitting right there... Or even when she was sitting right there. She gave me a response about she could never say something like that to family Yada, Yada Yada,. So I told her I was done talking for the remainder of the drive because I have a HUGE problem with being disrespected like that by her family.. But PARTICULARLY by her. She did what she does when she loses a fight.. And cried the rest of the way home (45ish minutes).

This sparked another fight a few days later (which was the point but I'm out of time).
Last edited by killacross on Tue Nov 16, 2021 8:03 am, edited 3 times in total.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Tue Nov 16, 2021 7:46 am

killacross wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 7:30 am
Next long ass post..

I'm triggered, but no time to elaborate. I know we are only getting your perspective but there are things here that your wife is doing or allowing to be done that really like yourself would make me furious.

San Goku
Posts: 978
Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2019 7:41 am

Re: There we go

Post by San Goku » Tue Nov 16, 2021 8:59 am

After reading that post, go blow ur load in Ms. Thickums....lol

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:19 am

Just sat on the balcony during a sunrise and talked it through while the baby slept. Everything is "OK"...she even blew me at the end :D :lol:


BUT, still gonna finish out this series

Haohmaru
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:13 am

Re: There we go

Post by Haohmaru » Tue Nov 16, 2021 12:36 pm

This is gonna sound harsh and maybe it isn't the case dince we're only getting snipbits of what's happening, but I think your wife doesn't respect you at the level she's supposed to and that's also on you. You're being way too much of a nice guy.
You letting her be a slouch for months without doing much in the household just because she's feeling down is crazy.
You have to assert your dominance and get a grip.
Also don't let blowing you be some kind of way to make up things. But I thought all was good we talked it over and I blew you. No, makes things very clear.
But you know what it is. Your mistake is that let this go on for too long already. The disrespect she allows from her family. Her thinking it's okay to be lazy or whatever.
I've seen it all with the people around me. The man let's the wife do whatever she wants. Then the woman thinks she can get away with whatever. You have to be consistent with that shit.
You let her do one thing the next day she'll do even worse.
The first thing your wife was supposed to say was my man is the best man there is. He's given me everything I wanted in life and more. Of course she can handle her own. She isn't stupid. That's not the point here.
It's how she respects you that should reflect on how she is around you.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Tue Nov 16, 2021 1:21 pm

killacross wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:19 am
Just sat on the balcony during a sunrise and talked it through while the baby slept. Everything is "OK"...she even blew me at the end :D :lol:


BUT, still gonna finish out this series
I'm gonna echo what Haoh said but for example. And I don't mean to be insulting but I just wanna be straight. Again, this is based on what you've told us over the years.

When I first started dating my girlfriend I told her that one of my biggest values was that she NEVER badmouth me or disrespect me to other people. Whether I'm there or not. If we have issues that are for us to work out or if she has issues she can talk to me about it. I'm not saying she can't go get advice but I do not want to be the subject of a bitchfest when/if her friends go around talking shit about their significant others. I wouldn't do the same to her. A couple of weeks ago she let that slip for the first time in front of this young woman and we had a talk later about it. She didn't realize it because it was wrapped up in Japanese "modesty" where they essentially downplay (read: shit on) their children or husbands when people compliment them. The woman said she wants to have a boyfriend like me and she said something that could be translated to "Well...he has his issues too." At the moment I was just like, "Oh, really?" But I was pissed. Just take the compliment. When we spoke, I was like, "Why would you say that? I would never say that about you."

Now back to you. I firmly believe that when in a marriage (or relationship) it is your job to shield your wife/husband from the slings and arrows of your family (assuming you aren't with a true piece of shit human being) and then strike back should they badmouth them. And it seems like for your entire marriage she's failed at doing that.

I mean the amount of psychological manipulation your in-laws did to their children to make them that dependent on family approval is honestly, brilliant. In a twisted kinda way. They have their children completely wrapped around their fingers so that they NEVER step out of line. They have really convinced them that family is everything despite their behavior. Meaning that the family gets to do whatever it wants and say whatever it wants because "it's family." This is complete bullshit, the family has to earn your respect like everyone else and if they treat you like shit then you aren't obligated to spend time with them or do anything for them. You already don't really talk to your family of origin IIRC because they treated you like shit.

"I could never do that to family?" THEN WTF ARE YOU? SOME RANDOM BLACK DUDE OFF THE STREET?! You are the family she chose, the man she chose to have a child with, and she just leaves out there to be attacked by her family of origin? She's saying that her family of origin is worth more to her than the family she chose. Your daughter also sees this stuff, don't think they aren't gonna be talking about what they think of her father right to her face, based on what you've told us doesn't seem like they wouldn't.

Also, she doesn't seem to realize that every time they disrespect you they are disrespecting her because she made the decision to be with "this guy" so that must mean she makes poor decisions and they insult her daughter because she's half you.

And you bust your ass for your family. You make money, you cook you take care of the cleaning and she can't defend you against your ungrateful in-laws?

This is fucked. But you've been doing this for 10 years so you're kinda in it now.


And again, I apologize for the tone but, I just hate seeing stuff like this. It's wrong.

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:52 pm

Always willing to take in additional info. You all see it differently than me.

And not offended at all... I talked about my personal life... So opened myself up to any comments, concerns, or critiques.

Apparentl I don't present my wife In a positive light when I only talk about the bad shit that boggles me because of cultural differences

San Goku
Posts: 978
Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2019 7:41 am

Re: There we go

Post by San Goku » Tue Nov 16, 2021 8:11 pm

Haohmaru wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 12:36 pm
This is gonna sound harsh and maybe it isn't the case dince we're only getting snipbits of what's happening, but I think your wife doesn't respect you at the level she's supposed to and that's also on you. You're being way too much of a nice guy.
You letting her be a slouch for months without doing much in the household just because she's feeling down is crazy.
You have to assert your dominance and get a grip.
Also don't let blowing you be some kind of way to make up things. But I thought all was good we talked it over and I blew you. No, makes things very clear.
But you know what it is. Your mistake is that let this go on for too long already. The disrespect she allows from her family. Her thinking it's okay to be lazy or whatever.
I've seen it all with the people around me. The man let's the wife do whatever she wants. Then the woman thinks she can get away with whatever. You have to be consistent with that shit.
You let her do one thing the next day she'll do even worse.
The first thing your wife was supposed to say was my man is the best man there is. He's given me everything I wanted in life and more. Of course she can handle her own. She isn't stupid. That's not the point here.
It's how she respects you that should reflect on how she is around you.
Damn Haoh, we missed your consistent post and view points lol.

I'm pretty sure Killa tried to squash that shit from the get go (still his fault but he tried). He seems stragical and forward thinking, I could be wrong. Women are just different creatures.

A lot of disrespect went on with me, shit I can't even tell you.

But we argue almost every other day. It got to the point now that if don't argue it's not normal. Arguing is our nom. MARRIED LIFE!

ITS THE KID(S) that continue to bind us or prolong relationships.

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Tue Nov 16, 2021 9:35 pm

Again.. It's all cultural differences. Black culture, a lot of Hispanic culture, alot of Caribbean cultures... And probably some Asian cultures to an extent, are matriarchal.

Middle Eastern, African, and probably some Asian cultures are patriarchal.

Marriage is a completely different game. Not because I'm scared she could take half my shit.. Even at 50%.. I bet I have more than most. But marriage is about more than just love or having someone to split half the bills or housework with. It's honor, duty, respect... And like San said... Marriage is mostly about children. Proven time and time again. And children are THE game changer.

Haohmaru
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:13 am

Re: There we go

Post by Haohmaru » Tue Nov 16, 2021 10:27 pm

Bro I'm not saying she isn't a good person. It's not about being good or bad.
YOU are the man. Her man. The head of the family. She needs to respect that. Simple as that.
On the other hand her family is the one she grew up with. So I get her. Still her family raised her and she chose you as her husband. If they don't like you, what does it say about their daughter. She was raised according to your moral and values and she chose you as her husband because she thought you were compatibele. She must've seen a man that could provide for her in the future.
Again I'm not saying she is a bad person at all. Its just that she's a woman. And women are difficult. You have to be on your toes at all times. Let her go wild for 1 day and she thinks she can do it every time.
Like I said how she talks about you and how she acts reflects on how you handle her.
I'm not telling she should go crazy against her parents, but she has to make it very clear how much you mean to her and how important you are. If that was the case her family wouldn't dare talk that way about you.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Tue Nov 16, 2021 11:22 pm

killacross wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 9:35 pm
Again.. It's all cultural differences. Black culture, a lot of Hispanic culture, alot of Caribbean cultures... And probably some Asian cultures to an extent, are matriarchal.

Middle Eastern, African, and probably some Asian cultures are patriarchal.

Marriage is a completely different game. Not because I'm scared she could take half my shit.. Even at 50%.. I bet I have more than most. But marriage is about more than just love or having someone to split half the bills or housework with. It's honor, duty, respect... And like San said... Marriage is mostly about children. Proven time and time again. And children are THE game changer.
I agree that marriage is about children but more on that later.

I'm also not saying that she's a bad person but she cannot allow her family carte blanche to talk shit about her husband, specifically for the health of your family.

I live in a country that is KING of "its culture". Meaning the king of using the excuse of the culture as a reason to change nothing/improve nothing/continue bad/toxic/abusive behavior. It's only cultural until it's not. Until someone decides not to continue that behavior.

Culture is oftentimes coding for continuing to pass trauma onto the next generation.

Look at it this way, you and I both don't give black American culture that excuse. You are a shining example of not accepting that excuse. We are both intimately aware of the shitty cultural aspects of black culture that are destroying it from the inside yet we don't say, "Well, that's culture so...what're you gonna do?"

Either you hold that universal standard so it should apply to your wife or you don't, which is fine but you can never complain about it again and you can't be surprised by the results from it. Understand that not keeping that standard will create glaring contradictions that will soon become apparent to your daughter(actually, they probably already have).

Here's the thing about us humans when we are very young, we tend to copy the sexual strategies (unconsciously) of our closest same-sex relative. Meaning if you're a girl you tend to copy what mom did to get dad because that's what led to successful mating and vice versa for boys. Ever wonder why dudes with no dad tend to be commitaphobes? Or why women of single mothers tend to end up as single mothers themselves? Obviously, this doesn't happen all the time but what's my point?

(TIME FOR THE THEORETICAL ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGIZING, this will sound like crazy talk but hear me out)

My point is that she's gonna see that grandma, grandpa, aunties, and uncles all get to talk negatively about daddy and not only does mommy not protect daddy, she actively attacks him when he stands up for himself...and daddy stays with mommy so I guess that's what you do to keep a man.

Now, she has you has her father to tell her otherwise but what are you going to tell her when she says the obvious, "Daddy, you say it's bad to do that but you let mommy do it. Why is okay for mommy but bad for others?"

Also what kind of sway will her grandparents, aunts, and uncles have over her? Because she has the template of mommy letting them get away with all this stuff yet she still gives them money whenever they ask. That's potentially setting her up for some bad relationships with friends and future significant others because they may take advantage of her. Again, you can tell her otherwise but your actions within the family say something different and that's is what is going to stick.

Now granted, she clearly has two very intelligent parents and thus is likely an extremely intelligent girl so just based on her intelligence she may be able to figure out some of this BS on her own but you never know.

Also, I'm not suggesting you leave your wife. Hell, no, but I think this issue is bigger than you're making it out to be but I just know what you've told us so I could be way off base. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just pointing some stuff out that you may not have thought of.

You can always just go tell me to take a hike and that I don't know what I'm talking about. That's fine too.
Last edited by Digital Masta on Tue Nov 16, 2021 11:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Tue Nov 16, 2021 11:39 pm

San Goku wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 8:11 pm
Haohmaru wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 12:36 pm
This is gonna sound harsh and maybe it isn't the case dince we're only getting snipbits of what's happening, but I think your wife doesn't respect you at the level she's supposed to and that's also on you. You're being way too much of a nice guy.
You letting her be a slouch for months without doing much in the household just because she's feeling down is crazy.
You have to assert your dominance and get a grip.
Also don't let blowing you be some kind of way to make up things. But I thought all was good we talked it over and I blew you. No, makes things very clear.
But you know what it is. Your mistake is that let this go on for too long already. The disrespect she allows from her family. Her thinking it's okay to be lazy or whatever.
I've seen it all with the people around me. The man let's the wife do whatever she wants. Then the woman thinks she can get away with whatever. You have to be consistent with that shit.
You let her do one thing the next day she'll do even worse.
The first thing your wife was supposed to say was my man is the best man there is. He's given me everything I wanted in life and more. Of course she can handle her own. She isn't stupid. That's not the point here.
It's how she respects you that should reflect on how she is around you.
But we argue almost every other day. It got to the point now that if don't argue it's not normal. Arguing is our nom. MARRIED LIFE!]/b]


That's a bad thing, San. Nobody is saying you don't have disagreements but if you're arguing every day, well that's a problem.

Haohmaru
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:13 am

Re: There we go

Post by Haohmaru » Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:51 am

Call me primitive or whatever you want, but I wouldnt let it come to that. You're the man of the house. You should have the final word and thats it.
Your significant other should know that she can't argue to you about everything.
The constant going back and forth for what? You're theajnof the house. If she's going to doubt everything you say and do then what does that say about you. She lost respect for you.
I blame it all on the bullshit era we live in. Women think they're men and the men are acting less and less like a man.

I'll give you a simple example. My sister is very strong female. Smart (lawyer), strong and high stature. And she comes from a strong family.
She's married to a doctor. If she wanted to she could make her husband's life very stressful and difficult. She can out argue him with everything except for medical stuff probably.
Instead she is a respectful wife and never goes against him when it comes to important shit and doesn't argue about everyday bullshit.
She knows I'm the woman and he's the man. I have my duties and things that I'm responsible for in this marriage and he has his. And that's how it should be .
Last edited by Haohmaru on Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:08 am

Haohmaru wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:51 am
Call me primitive or whatever you want, but I wouldnt let it be to that. You're the man of the house. You should have the final word and thats it.
Your significant other should know that she can't argue to you about everything.
The constant going back and forth for what? You're theajnof the house. If she's going to doubt everything you say and do then what does that say about you. She lost respect for you.
I blame it all on the bullshit era we live in. Women think they're men and the men are acting less and less like a man.

I'll give you a simple example. My sister is very strong female. Smart (lawyer), strong and high stature. And she comes from a strong family.
She's married to a doctor. If she wanted to she could make her husband's life very stressful and difficult. She can out argue him with everything except for medical stuff probably.
Instead she is a respectful wife and never goes against him when it comes to important shit and doesn't argue about everyday bullshit.
She knows I'm the woman and he's the man. I have my duties and things that I'm responsible for in this marriage and he has his. And that's how it should be .
Image

Haohmaru
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:13 am

Re: There we go

Post by Haohmaru » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:23 am

Cancel him right now.

You get what I mean though. I'm more lets call it traditional than others I guess.
That doesn't mean I don't respect women. I grew up being thought (culturally and religiously) to respect women.
It's just the conclusion I've come to after experience. Once the balance is gone, things don't work.

Edit: typing this while driving and sleep deprived. So don't mind the typos and sleep drunk writing.
Thank you whoever invented adaptive cruise control.

Digital Masta
Posts: 705
Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:56 pm

Re: There we go

Post by Digital Masta » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:46 am

Haohmaru wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:23 am
Cancel him right now.

You get what I mean though. I'm more lets call it traditional than others I guess.
That doesn't mean I don't respect women. I grew up being thought (culturally and religiously) to respect women.
It's just the conclusion I've come to after experience. Once the balance is gone, things don't work.
Oh, I agree.

killacross
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:00 am
Location: NC, USA

Re: There we go

Post by killacross » Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:42 am

This thread has turned out amazing! You all talk with such passion..and such conviction. Haoh, you very much sound like a traditional Muslim man, so I'm guessing you are (not an insult). My only experience is with Americanized Muslims...so they talk that talk...but don't live that way. Same with some Indian women/men that I know. The men want traditional Indian women...the women don't want them. I BET your sister and BIL argue more than you will ever know. They just don't broadcast it (which would be because of cultural norms).

And DM, in your original example about what you would NEVER allow...your girlfriend did it to you with a random stranger AND with you right there (because of cultural norms). Even then, you didn't address it right there in the moment (because of cultural norms). And then even said you would not do the same to her (because of YOUR cultural norms). I agree that not every cultural norm is a good thing. But you can't change the culture, you can only change yourself -- and influence those around you.

My wife is more or less submissive. She doesn't "correct" her family because of cultural norms. She also doesn't have the temperament to make a scene and fight with her family of origin. She is very much a feminine asset in my life. But yes, she has a brain and thoughts and plans. She is not my soldier and doesn't follow orders (when sometimes I wish she would). I very much run my household as the head, but she's human and disagrees and gets emotional or wants input. I don't see that as a detriment. She makes me question my stances and plans to make sure I plan for [almost] every contingency. She does prioritize her family of origin. She was raised very much Central American Catholic. Where she was raised...your family are the only people who won't do you dirt -- even if they talk shit now and then. Her family is very much the type that would help you in your time of need -- but would definitely keep score/tabs to make sure they can call in a favor in the future. It's why I hated when they sent stuff to our daughter in preparation for her birth. They bring it up casually that they bought the best of the best because they did the research. They STILL buy stuff for her now. You all may remember, I've complained about how my wife's family does Christmas. They basically shop FOR you/in your place. Meaning, they think YOUR budget should be ___...so that's what they spend (on credit -- and you can pay them back in a few weeks). But then...because I bought you nice things...my kids need/deserve nice things too. I know I've said that because they're family, I would let them go hungry, but not starve. If you're not family (or a close friend) - I could honestly watch you drown. That's my mindset - I'm a person of extremes. That is not my wife's mindset. I KNOW that I am #7 in her list of priorities. I do not like that...but it is very much a cultural norm. Parents have as many children as they can afford to feed. When the children grow up, the men stay in the family home, the women leave and move in with the men. As the parents die out, the children inherit the property. Multi-generational households is very much the norm. And because I took care of you as a child, you OWE me as an adult. The family sees it as "If I have it, the FAMILY has it". ALSO, when the parents struggle to feed the children...typically the church steps in to help. The church indoctrinates them that they are poor brown people in Central America. They will never amount to much. So instead give EVERY THING they own of value to the church to help the next family. Knowing my wife's life story about how she grew up in a 2nd world country...and how she arrived to today - where we are exceling at the American dream - I understand it. I hate it, but I understand. I've gotten her to turn her back on the church mostly...but she would never do it to her family of origin.

So, in my 4 walls...my daughter is the priority...then me. I'm fine with that. When we go visit her family...it shifts to them. My wife is better than her sisters at putting my baby over the parents...but she isn't where I would be. It's baby steps and slow progress. It was even the same when her parents moved in after my daughter was born. I hated it. She hated it. I would complain to them publicly (via facial expression and body language)...she would complain to me privately at night. I was not a good, supportive husband because I told her to deal with it directly...or stop whining to me. Our marriage and I, have grown since then...so I would handle it better now. But, I can't overcome her 30+ year relationship with them...and the 1000+ year history of the Catholic church. I just deal with it when it's in my face. It makes her family uncomfortable. They can do it behind my back all they want - I don't care what they talk about in the shadows. And if they do it with my daughter there, I'm not happy about that -- but everyone KNOWS that children will come home and repeat exactly what they see/hear. I'll deal with it directly then (a little after the moment). I can't change their mindset -- but I can make it so uncomfortable that I change the behavior. That's good enough for me.

It stumps me that people are so up-in-arms that for a brief 5-6 month period of our 15 year relationship...my wife was in a rut. And the fact that I would be understanding and support MY WIFE....just...WOW. You mean that 97% of the time, she has been helpful and contributed? The argument we had after that car ride (that I was gonna post about next but got sidetracked) was about is marriage a "partnership" or are we a "team"? Wife and I saw it differently at first [partnership]...but she came around to my way of thinking [team]. She got the new job 3-4 months ago. Works different hours. We have a different home. Our roles have shifted but things have been progressively better. I mean really, in the future, when you all get married...I hope you never get sick, lose a job, lose a loved one, or just generally go through some shit. Cuz suddenly some random fuck is gonna appear and smash your wife. You can't blame her though...because you were NOT the man that you should have been. FOH :lol: :lol:

As far as what my daughter sees or learns. I don't care what relatives or people outside of my 4 walls do. I am concerned about teachers/school system because they'll see her for several hours. I care about what goes on in my house. Maybe it's different...but I can see how my parents acted growing up. I also see how my aunts, uncles, cousins acted. I see how it affected me (mostly it showed me what I would never do). I am somewhat an extreme opposite of them. I was having that conversation with my wife as well. My daughter (granted she's only 2) is very much a happy baby. I suspect she will be a happy kid. And then her personality will form and her insecurities will develop in her teenage years. In her early adulthood, she'll branch out into the world with the skills, knowledge, education, AND MONEY that we will instill in her. I want her married by her mid 20's. And by her 30's she can start to figure it the work/family/life part. I don't think people repeat what the same sex parent does...I think they look for attributes of the the opposite-sex parent but that fathers play an even bigger role than they are given credit (which is why women without a father in the home go so crazy sexually. The father wasn't there to teach them restraint, forethought, and to be demure. They are instantly attracted to the "bad-boy" and seek male validation that they never got. The same is true for the boys. The father never taught them restraint, forethought, and discipline. So they fuck anything that moves and leave children and broken homes in their wake.). I see some attributes of my mother in my wife...and I see other things about her that are polar opposites (because yes, you do see what your parents do).

Anyway, I grew up in a food insecure household. We always had a roof over our heads, we always had running water, we always had electricity. (My best friend has stories of being evicted several times, and winters without heat -- I never experienced that). I remember being a kid: I would see something in the refrigerator - and I wouldn't touch it because it was mom or dad's. I still remember things like...I ate a sandwich -- and my mom slapped me across the face because it was her lunch for work the next day. I remember eating a slice of cake my dad brought home -- and I didn't get to eat the rest of the day. My daughter isn't like that at all. My daughter does not and will not EVER have that experience. If she says she wants "juice" - she will go to the pantry, pull out a box, and guzzle it. She doesn't ask or pause. If we open the refrigerator and she sees something she wants (a yogurt or a piece of fruit) -- she grabs it without a second thought. That shit makes me PROUD as a fucking man. That shit makes me PROUD as a fucking father and provider (remember -- my daughter at 2 years old - already has a higher net worth than some of you reading this).

I've read Reddit threads about "People who grew up poor and didn't know it...." and people talk about their mothers would say "The pizza crust is my favorite part [meaning that they could only afford 1 pizza...so the mother just ate the scraps/leftovers]" or people who only got to eat on certain days of the week (children eat 7 days, adults only eat 3...or large families where the old kids eat 3 days and the younger 4 days). That was not my experience. I VERY MUCH knew we were poor.

Anyway, it's amazing to me. I'm getting parenting advice from people without children. Marriage advice from people who are not married. Advice on dealing with women (and we're men aren't we? so if sex = success with women...I bet I was more successful with the ladies than all of you COMBINED [again, I was something of a ho in my younger years and was one of those guys that would say or do anything to get some pussy].) All that's left is to tell me..."If I made/had as much money as you...This is what I'd do".
Last edited by killacross on Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:45 am, edited 3 times in total.

Haohmaru
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:13 am

Re: There we go

Post by Haohmaru » Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:08 am

I am a Muslim, but the way I think about women and what I've explained has nothing to do with that. Have I once brought religion into the discussion when I was talking about women?
I left the religious aspect out of it, since that only matters to me when I'm choosing a woman I will marry. Has nothing to do with you.
I was sharing my experience as a man that I've had in my own life and seen from the people around me (orthodox fiends, Muslim friends and atheist).
That's the beauty of where I live. It's very multicultural.

Oh my sister and BIL argue of course. I'm not denying that. You missed the point I was making or at least trying to make.

That last paragraph is what makes me laugh though. So you have to be married with children to give someone advice? Well that leaves a lot of psychiatrist without work.
Also who said sex with women equals succes? What are we like 16 here.
We might not all be miljonairs here, but I'm pretty sure everyone you're talking to here has a succesful career.
Also the fact that you think this has to do with money, again is weird.
Don't get offended by the things we said and get so defensive in return.
We're only commenting what we think we would do different if it were us.
Take from that whatever you want. If you don't agree, don't.
Nobody out here is making your wife out to be a bad person. We all know how family can be and how it can be difficult.

I'll share something private again which I don't like doing. My mother doesn't like my sister's husband. Hasn't liked him since day 1. Doesn't matter why. But my mother hasn't even once made a bad remark about him that he knows of.
Because my sister thinks highly of him respects him and knows he'll be always there for her protecting her and her family. And my mother knows that as well. So even though she doesn't like him, she'll never say something disrespectful in his face.
My mother respects him as a husband and caretaker of the family even though she doesn't like him personally.
And before you come with the my wife's family is latin with strong religious cultural background.
I bet my mother beats that as a moslim woman from Turkey that from a place that's even more strict then you can imagine.
You get what I mean?

Post Reply