I go away and miss y'all saying some crazy ass shit. Damnit.
Digital Masta wrote: ↑
Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:02 pm
3. Everyone else
1000x this (as someone who now has a daughter, even). DM hit the nail on the head - in the end, it's your relationship with your wife that matters. Children in general strain marriages, putting them before the relationship makes it worse. Children will pick up on that tension and normalize it. If you and your wife put each other first, they'll pick up on that and normalize it too.
Anecdote of one of the few things I remember from Psychology classes eons ago - when tracked for happiness, marriages with children generally were happy marriages until the happiness level nearly invariably suddenly dropped. 18-20 years later the happiness in the marriage picked up again. Children are shits.
Haohmaru wrote: ↑
Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:51 am
Call me primitive or whatever you want, but I wouldnt let it come to that. You're the man of the house. You should have the final word and thats it.
That's primitive (just because you asked us to). It's a mutual relationship. If that's the relationship you and your wife want to set up, that's on y'all, I'm not going to judge the relationship. That's not "respecting women" though, because see below.
I blame it all on the bullshit era we live in. Women think they're men and the men are acting less and less like a man.
Or, hear me out here - women think they deserve the same say as men and men say "OK, that's fair." If we wanted to frame that as respect... the woman says "we have the same capacity to make smart decisions, one of us shouldn't get to ignore the other just because of our gender." Note that the way I phrased that goes both ways - a woman wanting to have the final say because she's a woman can fuck off too.
Haohmaru wrote: ↑
Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:23 am
That doesn't mean I don't respect women. I grew up being thought (culturally and religiously) to respect women.
Religious texts (Quran or Bible) don't respect women. Stoning them to death because they're not a virgin? Designating their only worth as child-bearers? Pfff. Islam is better about that last part at least. Most religious people don't read their texts though, so I guess you'd say their religion is technically different. You know... like guns in church. Wtf was that.
Edit: typing this while driving and sleep deprived. So don't mind the typos and sleep drunk writing.
Thank you whoever invented adaptive cruise control.
Get the fuck off the road, holy shit.
killacross wrote: ↑
Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:42 am
"If I made/had as much money as you...This is what I'd do".
Well if no one else is going to... really though you should just do what I do because I'm me and not because of money or marriage or kids blah blah blah. You should always think "what would XX do?" Screw that Jesus guy. (/s)
Edit to note: this isn't me talking down to you or telling you what to do. This is me presenting a way of thinking about things that I think you should consider if you haven't yet.
I think I mentioned it before, but I've been burned before the same way you just were. There's nothing intrinsically or morally wrong with what you did. You have your own stance, your wife has hers. You weren't in agreement, so the conflict happened. The root questions are... did you know her stance or think you had a good idea of it? Did you know there was conflict and did it anyways? Did you think there might be conflict but willingly didn't find out? Did you think there wouldn't be conflict?
I'm not saying we have to listen to our wives or obey their whims whenever they disagree with us. I'm saying both people in the relationship have their boundaries and we should know our respective partner's boundaries. How much is it worth it to push their boundaries? What about completely ignoring them? Does having the more intimate relationship with Thickums as opposed to a generically friendly relationship mean so much to you that it's worth crossing your wife's boundaries just because it's still within yours, or can you still have a relationship that's meaningful and fulfilling with Thickums without crossing your wife's boundaries around intimacy with other women? To clarify - I think you have the right, as a person, to do whatever you want in your mutual relationships other people's boundaries be damned. If that relationship with Thickums is worth it to you, then go for it. I'm sure as a whole you and your wife respect each other. What she did wasn't respectful, though I'd also argue it wasn't disrespectful since she talked to you privately instead of standing up for her family at the time of conflict, but you tolerate it because of her cultural background and that's a justification you're at least somewhat willing to accept. If your justification for your actions is "it's ok because I'm a man," that's not respectful either (I don't know if that's your justification, I'm just going off of some of the other posts).
Y'all talked it out like adults and now you're good - that's how marriage is supposed to work. Looking at you, San. I've been with my wife for almost 8 years and I can count on one hand the amount of serious disagreements we've had, and not because one of us caves to the other. Conflict shouldn't be a norm.
Also speaking as a divorced person who was able to understand his divorce and learn from it, I like to think my advice is worth at least something instead of disregarded just because I'm divorced!
I know you guys missed my text walls...